I have decided to get off of the anti-depressants and it has now been a few days since I took the last one. Broken down to a 5mg. dosage. I weaned from them so no side affects there. But, I have had the insomnia and felt like shit yesterday. I slept much better last night despite Jett crying and awakening me. He was scared of the dark. I am pretty proud of myself, that I showed him compassion.
I MIght as well keep a log/ diary of sorts on this blog as no one reads it, and only a handful of people have visited it. yikes. I need to know what I am like, esp. with regard to creativity, not using the brain chemicals, the chemicals designed to alter my brain into a manageable piece of a coping mechanism. It never really helped the depression. It did help (originally) when I had anxiety and jealousy with Ben, and then when Evan was about 4 and really getting under my skin. It help regulate sleep. The last one is the most desirable benefit. But the completely bat-shit way that I reacted to the Remeron. Thank god I am aware enough to do get off that shit. Other people likely do not have the finesse I do with such things and they take massive doses of it despite feeling like shit, or they go off of it cold turkey. I admit I did that too and learned the hard way. It is likely also responsible for my knowledge of how to get on to the right dosage. You give up days of your life adjusting to the drug, so that the drug will in turn help you adjust for your life. Supposedly.
LIfe is so arbitrary, capricious, tenuous, I am going to look into becoming a NIhilist