Scintillating is such a great word.

I think my writing on message boards is scintillating. I am a scintillating person. But I may as well be writing anonymously as I am here on my Personal Blog. Because no one ever responds to me. Occasionally they do. But not often, it is rare. This makes me feel like a meaningless, insignificant, anonymous blob. I am Queen of the universe to my sons. And that was enough for a while. But alas, I now need some kind of wordly recognition. Which seems to be very hard to come by for me. I have felt that way my whole life and I continue to feel this way as middle age creeps in and I enter the world of the internet. Maybe it is a script I have bought into. Maybe I am buying into my own worn out low self-worth script even as I am shocked to see that others don't find my scintillating personality scorching across the computer screen. I guess I should just post for my own self, my own need to improve my writing skills and become even more scintillating writer. Just do it for myself, not others approval.

Death and the Miser by Heironymous Bosch

Death and the Miser by Heironymous Bosch
Originally uploaded by celticchrys

I was searching for an image that represented HELL. The Hell state. The awful nightmare of the world this artist sometimes paints. But this is all I found on Flickr. I would have used Munch's The Scream, but that has become too cliche. But I feel what the cliche of the Scream has come to represent. OK nothing quite as serious as physical abuse, drug-dealing, homelessness, is in my life right now; or things like the plague that Hieronymus Bosch seems to represent in his art.
My soul does feel like it is dying. I feel like numbing my frustration, malaise and the pain of unrealized passions with wine. and weed. And sex/romance fantasies with young beautiful lovers. wow this must sound like a pathetic joke. Fuck it.